Giving pain the elbow!

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Dear Pain,

I’ve finally plucked up the courage to put pen to paper and tell you exactly how I feel. When you first came into my life, I reluctantly accepted you as you and MS came as a pair, a tag team of misery. I have learnt to cope with your spiteful digs, barbed jabs and your unrelenting grievous bodily harm but, enough is enough, it has to stop, I can’t take anymore. Iv’e been feeling this way for a long time but tried to pretend I could carry on. Look, I’ve reached the end of my tether and we seriously need to part company. It’s blatantly obvious that we ‘re just not right for each other. I can’t have you in my life anymore, you’re misery personified!

What I really want to say is, you’re an insensitive selfish wanker and I deserve to find something that can offer me tenderness, soothing and an escape from all things that involve you, pain. I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else, so I have to tell you, I’ve found something that’s helping me though this difficult time, It’s called love and kindness with a side order morphine and gin!  I have to get this off my chest… You’re vicious, heartless, brutal and quite frankly, downright evil. I’m done, we’re through, you’re out of my life. I would say goodbye forever but I know, you’ll find away to creep back into my life.

See you around -NOT!
Signed, Me.

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Give us a clue – meh!

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In the good old days, I used to be an absolute whizz at word games, after all I could talk for Britain – verbally incontinent, if you will! ( now i’m just incontinent – boo hoo!)

Fast forward to 2017 and MS has turned my brain to mush and I’m fully aware, it’s only going to get worse. At any given moment I can burst into complete jibberish when trying to cobble together a constructive sentence – no matter how hard I try, total bollocks is all that I can muster. My son always berates me for using 20 words when 5 will do, but now it’s a bloody marathon just to get out one whole sentence!

My mouth says ” can you get me – urm – hang on a minute, it’s coming, let me think about it  – a do-dah from the thingeamagig” but my brain is screaming something completely different, there you are… proof, it’s official – I am now a verbal halfwit!

I honestly can’t seem to remember even simple worlds, I find myself stopping mid sentence to trawl through 50 odd years of spoken words before blurting the word out with utter glee “hammer, yes HAMMER” – ffs, in my head it sounded like avocado – meh!

In a bid to stay one step ahead of my MS word fiend, I have resorted to describing the thing I’m trying to say ” it’s green, nobbly and we grew them in Spain”  I’ve even started to add in hand gestures to get me over the finish line of a sentence. Im so good at it now, I bet Lionel Blair & Una Stubbs would be fighting to get me onto their teams on Give us a clue (OMG,that shows my age!)… content – 5, fucking effort -11.5!

MS – You might have turned me in a to a jibbering monkey, but I get there in the end – tah dah!!

PS it also helps that MFH seems to be tuned into radio MS and can guess what Im trying to say!!

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It’s the little things in life!

Its-the-little-things-in-Life_The-Red-Fairy-Project-250x250Some days I give a cheeky little smile, blow a raspberry and think, YEAH I’ve turned a corner & I feel better today … then I’m like

WOW

that was a really great 45 seconds – MS is a cruel MF!

Well, MS bitch – I’ll take that 45 seconds and raise you, one whole afternoon. Yes, today my friends, the sun was a shining, the birds a tweeting, lawn mowers a munching and I was a buzzing… for today, I had a GOOD DAY (large round of applause, if you please!)

On any given day, visiting my elderly parents (well any time I venture out actually) is incredibly draining and I’m completely pooped after a short visit, but today MFH, my Westie fluff ball and I, sat with them in the garden and enjoyed a picnic and a Pimms in the sunshine. It was a truly lovely day.

One of the things having MS has taught me is to do what you love, when you can, if only for a fleeting moment. Grab life by the balls and do the things in life that we thought we couldn’t do anymore. One of my favourite smells is freshly cut grass and I always loved to take charge of the mowing but MS has rather put the kibosh on that little delight, enthusiasm 1 – energy level 0 😦

I’ve already mentioned that today was a good day (oh god, I’m turning into a good day bore, sorry!) and to prove it this is me mowing the lawn – look at that face, I’m enjoying myself (excuse the washing on the line, can’t miss a drying day)  – No crutches required – huge achievement, zest for life… Whoop Whoop! You applaud and I’ll take a bow…

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Hang on, don’t get too excited I only managed two rows but hey, I’m feeling so bloody clever and content! It makes my heart sing.

That was yesterday and today Iv’e lost my GOOD DAY MOJO – I escaped the shackles of MS if only for a few hours then BOOM – it gives me a dirty great slap in the face and reminds me I’m chronically ill and need to yield to it’s mighty power and boy do I wilt like a soggy salad – BUT never fear, I’ll hunt down that “MS good fairy” and persuade her I’m worthy of many more good days like this.

 

Pick yourself up – brush yourself down – & repeat!

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Being diagnosed with MS put my life in perspective. It’s made me realise that I’m not as invincible as I once thought. It took me a long time to realise that if I was going to stand a chance of self preservation, I had to try and find “the funny” in the everyday, don’t let the bugger get you down!

MS has robbed me of my self titled super woman status. I can’t juggle all of the plates all of the time, like I used to, I am, but a mere mortal after all!!  I always thought I was the epitome of the ever ready bunny, nothing could stop me, but it’s now dawned on me that MS has turned me into a fucking Weeble, wobbling and stumbling my way through the day – how did that irritating advert lyric go? “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down” – oh yes they bloody do, frequently –  Iv’e weebled, I’ve wobbled and now I can’t get up!!!

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A positive addition to all the bollocks that goes hand in hand with this illness, is that I have made some brilliant connections with a wonderful online MS community, that have had a truly positive impact on my perception of this shitty disease. You can laugh, in the face of adversity  – no one will judge you!  No two of us have the same symptoms, and no two of us experience MS in the same way, so all our stories are different, It’s kinda like being handed a giant bag of MS flavoured pick-n- mix, but MS decides what you get. There’s nothing sweet in that bag, they are all sour by the way! Just when you think you have a handle on things, “Boom” MS sticks its sticky little mitts back into the bag of symptoms again and chucks another one your way.

MS has made me realise that I need to live in the moment – and appreciate those moments – because no one knows what what obstacles life will throw at you. MS has made me want to find adventures and try new things, a life without limits – “ha ha –fooled you!”  the reality is that I’m sad that MS means there are limitations to my life and I’ll never reach my full potential. No idea what the hell that was, but I’d like to have had a bloody good stab at trying to reach it. Ive come to the conclusion that MS must be of the female persuasion, cos life’s a bitch, only a woman could be this mean – Im being bullied and no matter how much I fight her, she’ll only knock me down again – hence… sense of humour essential!

Yes, this disease made me want to eat healthier and exercise more… now I’m digressing, I’ll save that doozy for another day!